¿Quién soy?

For my Feminist Philosophy class today we had to read a piece called "The Construction of Self in U.S. Latina Autobiographies" by Lourdes Torres. It was all about Latinas who are oppressed by men in their culture and the need for understanding the stories of individuals in order to bring about change. Anyway, I really resonated with the article and was looking forward to discussing it with my classmates.

Man. That class was...let's just say interesting, but literally painful.

Our class discussion mostly focused on the idea of identity and oppression as well as white privilege. I think one of the most interesting points that the article brings up is the idea that women will always be identified first by their gender in a given situation, Woman. Thus they are all initially defined as being part of a homogenous group, whereas men are free to define themselves and be identified as individuals. It was something that I'd never thought about it, but it's true. A good example is of a successful business woman (my brain for some reason immediately thinks of Helen Hunt in What Women Want) who is in a firm with mostly men. She will forever be seen first as a woman and second as a successful business INDIVIDUAL. Even if the focus on her is a positive one, as in "Wow, look how far she's come as a woman in a male-dominated field!", she is still thus congratulated on the basis of gender rather than her individual merits.

The article goes on to the fact that women of color are automatically doubly screwed because not only are they initially identified by gender, but by race or ethnicity as well. In discussing this phenomena, the conversation inevitably turned to the idea of identity. This immediately set my brain whirring as it's something that I've been trying to work through and pin point for what seems like eons, but for what's probably only been like six years lol.  I've always been exceedingly proud of my Puerto Rican roots even if they sort of went by the wayside with regard to attention as I was growing up. However, it has always confused and upset me when I've tried to define myself. Part of is it because in a sense I think I've always been aware of White Privilege, even if it was just a little bit. I used to fervently wish that I was Native American or African American when I was little because I felt so guilty over all the stupid white people had done to them.

However, now it has made me feel as if I can't identify with being Latina because I still receive White Privilege due to my skin and the perception that I am White. Almost as if I don't deserve the title, or that when I tell people I'm Puerto Rican I'm somehow being fake or cheating or something. I'm not sure exactly how to describe it. This and the feeling of losing some Puerto Rican connection because I've lost much of my Spanish kept threatening to bring me to tears all throughout the class. This is where the physically painful part comes in. Did you know that it's exceedingly painful to hold back tears for an extended period of time? I didn't, but now I sure as hell do. Doing so resulted in a freaking massive headache. It went away somewhat when I brought up the contradictions in the discussion, but it still hasn't gone away completely. :/

Overall it was a great discussion, it was just hard because I feel like I've lost all my connection with Puerto Rico since my grandma's dead and my mom just doesn't really do anything with it...other than get defensive.

Yup. So that's kind of it.

¡Soy LATINA!