Contradictions

I just want to fight, that's all
Scream and yell, shake you
Punch my fist through that wall.
But I can't, because it's all in my head,
A place you've never been;
I've never let you in.
Instead I've walled you out.
Every second I feel myself place
Another brick, I can't stop it.
If only you understood, then I could
Scream and yell and tear down the stars
And everything would be OK.
But it's not. And I don't know if it will be again.

Spring Break:A Travel Diary (Day 1)...or In Which Day One Seamlessly Bleeds into Day Two

So what am I doing for my first official College Spring Break? I'm on a road trip with my family... to Tennessee. No offense to anyone who lives there, but it's not exactly the place I think of when I think Spring Break, especially since we're not even going to Graceland. (Although that was technically my decision.....it is pricey, man).
Anyway. It started out pretty rocky, and then....stayed fairly rocky throughout.  I'm not sure who exactly thought it was a good idea to lock my brother and myself within tongue-lashing and fist-throwing distance of one another. The latter didn't actually occur, if anyone was worried, but it could have...

The plan was to leave at 5am. Did we leave at 5am? Not a chance. Never in my life have we ever left as early as we meant to for any trip, including those where we had to be at the airport at a specific time. My family is not the most time conscious. Even when we all were awake and supposedly ready to go, various people ended up running back into the house for something or other at least four different times. Hooray for organization!

We finally got on the road shortly after 8 o'clock. It wasn't long thereafter before I was asking myself why the heck I hadn't just stayed home and slept. Remember how I said my brother and I don't get along? Yeah my whole family is much better not stuck in a twenty foot square space. My family is critical and arrogant and each person thinks that they know exactly the Right way to do something. I am of course including myself in this, because I am most definitely the same way. However, my dad and brother are even more accomplished champions at being pricks. My smart-ass comments most likely didn't help, but hey, where's the fun in being docile and taming the acid tongue? ;) I got, not in trouble per se but at least reprimanded, a few times for making comments about Iowans based on supposed Minnesotan superiority. It was funny, in a haha-wait-you're-a-friggin'-hypocrite way, when other people made off-hand comments which were no worse than my own.

The drive was mostly a blur. Well, not exactly a blur, but I slept for most of the first half. Part of this was because I was tired, part was because I was bored (I get  nauseous when I read for too long and we forgot the car DVD player), and part was honestly just because I'm used to sleeping at particular times during a weekday because of when I crash between classes.

By 3pm, we were in Illinois and we were hungry. The problem: we hadn't seen any food signs along the highway we were driving on. Miles after miles passed, and still no customary blue sign with reassuring symbols of tasty, if vastly unhealthy, sustenance; there were even conjectures that perhaps the people of Illinois did not eat. After what seemed like a decade, we finally saw golden arches. It was after we'd eaten that more issues began to arise. Everyone was now awake. Oh the horror! :P
Plus, my dad took over driving. Which meant that my mom was in the back with my brother, which meant Quiz Bowl Questions. Don't get me wrong, I love trivia questions. But this is where the cumulative arrogance of my family comes into play...or should I say explodes into conflict. My dad thinks he knows everything, my brother is only minutely better, and I'm somewhere on the spectrum. There's always issues. My dad didn't pay attention to the road because he was focusing on being a know-it-all and answering first and we got lost for a few minutes. (This of course caused my brother to go on and on about all the things my dad did wrong, even though he doesn't even have a permit.) There were insults and comments whipped around the car like a whirlwind and I ended up just curling up in the front seat, listening to music, crying, and ignoring everyone else out of frustration.

Now, before people are overwhelmed with pity, things got better. :)
My mom stopped asking questions and fell asleep! :P
That sounds a lot harsher than it is intended. It seems however, that the equilibrium in the car can only settle when one or more of us is asleep. It is a scientific discovery! When all four of us are awake and alert, bashing of heads ensues. We all hate each other! Haha, just kidding. :)

After that I pretty much just sat in the front seat and acted as a second pair of eyes for my dad. We crossed into Indiana around 7pm CT because that's when all our cell phone clock's changed. Shortly thereafter white speckles began flying at us. Could it possibly be? Snow? We had left Minnesota to get away from the snow! This was inconceivable! Never mind the fact that we had initially intended to avoid Indianapolis because of a snowstorm. I, apparently, was the only one who actually remembered this and was thus not surprised. We braved the elements and kept going. Coming up on Indianapolis, my dad thought, well why not just drive on to Cincinnati? So we kept going.

Crossing into Ohio was pretty weird. Literally on one side of the border there was snow, and on the Ohio border there was none. No snow at all. The surroundings would have been green, if  it wasn't all wrapped in Night's ebony cloak.  When we neared Cincinnati, my dad once again said: "well we're this close, why not just cross into Kentucky and then stop for the night." So once again, we drove on. Weirdest thing? As we crossed the southern border of Ohio, our headlights passed over a looming sign that said Welcome to Indiana. My dad and I both had mini-heart attacks. Apparently a bit of Indiana wraps around Ohio to the south before Kentucky. So within half an hour we crossed three different state borders: Indiana into Ohio, into Indiana, into Kentucky.

At this point it was about 11pm, and I figured we would stop shortly after we crossed the border. My dad however, figured we might as well keep going...apparently until he ran us off the road out of tiredness or the car stopped from lack of fuel. We didn't though. I guess I never really paid attention well enough in Geography, because Kentucky really surprised me. I was expecting like farmland and countryside, but we drove through hills and heavily wooded areas. I'm slightly disappointed because I'm sure it would have been beautiful during the day. It was actually very pretty at night by the light of a nearly-full moon, but also quite eerie.

We finally pulled into Lexington, Kentucky about 12:30 am. We found a Days Inn and promptly crashed. Now apparently we're having lunch with some "old friend", but shortly we'll be on the road again, Destination: Gatlinburg, Tennessee.

Will write more upon arrival, with pictures included.
Loves,
B 

¿Quién soy?

For my Feminist Philosophy class today we had to read a piece called "The Construction of Self in U.S. Latina Autobiographies" by Lourdes Torres. It was all about Latinas who are oppressed by men in their culture and the need for understanding the stories of individuals in order to bring about change. Anyway, I really resonated with the article and was looking forward to discussing it with my classmates.

Man. That class was...let's just say interesting, but literally painful.

Our class discussion mostly focused on the idea of identity and oppression as well as white privilege. I think one of the most interesting points that the article brings up is the idea that women will always be identified first by their gender in a given situation, Woman. Thus they are all initially defined as being part of a homogenous group, whereas men are free to define themselves and be identified as individuals. It was something that I'd never thought about it, but it's true. A good example is of a successful business woman (my brain for some reason immediately thinks of Helen Hunt in What Women Want) who is in a firm with mostly men. She will forever be seen first as a woman and second as a successful business INDIVIDUAL. Even if the focus on her is a positive one, as in "Wow, look how far she's come as a woman in a male-dominated field!", she is still thus congratulated on the basis of gender rather than her individual merits.

The article goes on to the fact that women of color are automatically doubly screwed because not only are they initially identified by gender, but by race or ethnicity as well. In discussing this phenomena, the conversation inevitably turned to the idea of identity. This immediately set my brain whirring as it's something that I've been trying to work through and pin point for what seems like eons, but for what's probably only been like six years lol.  I've always been exceedingly proud of my Puerto Rican roots even if they sort of went by the wayside with regard to attention as I was growing up. However, it has always confused and upset me when I've tried to define myself. Part of is it because in a sense I think I've always been aware of White Privilege, even if it was just a little bit. I used to fervently wish that I was Native American or African American when I was little because I felt so guilty over all the stupid white people had done to them.

However, now it has made me feel as if I can't identify with being Latina because I still receive White Privilege due to my skin and the perception that I am White. Almost as if I don't deserve the title, or that when I tell people I'm Puerto Rican I'm somehow being fake or cheating or something. I'm not sure exactly how to describe it. This and the feeling of losing some Puerto Rican connection because I've lost much of my Spanish kept threatening to bring me to tears all throughout the class. This is where the physically painful part comes in. Did you know that it's exceedingly painful to hold back tears for an extended period of time? I didn't, but now I sure as hell do. Doing so resulted in a freaking massive headache. It went away somewhat when I brought up the contradictions in the discussion, but it still hasn't gone away completely. :/

Overall it was a great discussion, it was just hard because I feel like I've lost all my connection with Puerto Rico since my grandma's dead and my mom just doesn't really do anything with it...other than get defensive.

Yup. So that's kind of it.

¡Soy LATINA!

I want to fly like a eagle..

Today was my first session of two of my new classes: Literature for Growth and Healing, and Feminist Philosophy.

Man, what a day.

I am so psyched about the upcoming semester. When I was first looking at the syllabi etc., I started to feel majorly overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the burden I had taken on. However for the most part my experiences this day have alleviated some of my fears. My teachers seem like they'll be good for me, ready to guide but not to domineer, to pass on their passion for their subject, but to leave room for wings to unfurl.

In my lit class, we did three different little free-writing activities which were pretty fun and I can already feel the stirrings being coaxed back to life. :) A part of the class, because of the focus on growth and healing, will have to do with journaling and the benefits etc. For class I belatedly read the assignment in one of our textbooks about journaling, and I became super psyched to once again write in a journal. I stopped writing in journals because I felt that I was doing it wrong, much like this blog, writing not often enough or screwing up the format, whatever. Plus, looking back at my journals just depresses me at what a little immature, boy-crazed, idiot I was in Junior High and the first few years of high school. However, this really opened my eyes, and I think it'll be helpful. :)

My philosophy class was also really fun even if it was only sort of a getting-to-know-you day. We did all the normal stuff, but they the instructor went off on a tangent about monogamy and Banobo monkeys, and just sexuality in general. It was interesting and I feel like this woman is going to create a lot of fun classroom experiences and I'm excited to see what she knows and to discuss feminism in relation to philosophy with my other classes.

I guess my next task is to take Feminist Theory so that I can understand the workings and mentality of the movement, rather than shunning it or defending it without any knowledge-base.

So internally hyper!!
that might just be the exercise endorphins though....

Slainte

Lost Between the Worlds

I have recently been watching the epic tv series Merlin from BBC. It is an awesome show and has reawakened in me the obsession I had when I was little surrounding the legends of King Arthur. I've always loved magic and legends and myths, having grown up reading and being told stories. Even then I felt the pangs of sadness that I couldn't hop into my books and enter their world.

I've become obsessed once again, to the point where Arthur and his cohorts are on my brain nearly all the time.

Now the sadness is back and it's overwhelming. It sounds stupid and childish, but I want to be in Camelot, or I want to go back to the 60s and attend Woodstock, or I want to meet the High Kings of Ireland and steal away to Tir nA nOg. But seeing as I can't Actually Physically transport myself there, i'm thrown into depression and I don't know what to do. It's like my wildest dreams are dangled in front of me and I just can't reach, or they're pulled away from me at just the last moment as a voice snickers maniacally in the Void.

I feel I'm lost between the worlds. I have no real interest in this world, but all others are closed off from me. :'(

No more.

Emptiness

If I Ever Leave This World Alive

Listening to: "Black is the Colour" by Gaelic Storm

Drinking: Tea of course :P

Reading: Shattered Mirror

Well it's 2013! We made it through the end of the world, aren't we all so clever, we should all pat ourselves on the back before we go back to slow destroying the planet and each other.

Congratulations, that was your daily dose of sarcasm. :P

It's hard to believe that it's already almost the end of January. But I guess since I've spent the last four weeks pretty much just sleeping, reading, and watching Netflix, I shouldn't be surprised that time has passed without my knowledge. However, the end of January spells change once again. Well I guess it's not really anything new, just different from what it has been recently.

That's right, starting February 4th, I will be officially immersed in the second semester of my college career. This of course means that I will be moving back into the dorm next weekend and frantically trying to get my homework done before the first day of class.

I should have done this a month ago, but the end of the semester busy. I kind of just want to reflect on my first semester.

I think that the most glaring fact is that it was not what I was expecting it to be; from talking to other girls on my floor, they felt the same way. I had the same issue with high school, although I think college is even more distorted. From tv shows and movies we get this shiny, intense, free, exciting look at what college life is like. Now granted I knew it would be different going to a small all-girls school, but I guess maybe I expected more?

Don't get me wrong, I love the atmosphere and the feeling of sisterhood etc, but it gets really boring on weekends, and I do miss dudes if only for the social aspect of talking to someone who is not female.

Also I've come to learn a lot about myself. The most important thing being that I can only stand a certain amount of people-time and then I need to be alone. It's thus really tough living with someone else because you can't be alone in your own room. However at the same time I can't be completely alone or I get restless as I found out last summer. It's hard though because in order to not blow up and start screaming at people, I try to pull into myself and just ignore everyone and put my headphones etc. I can't explain to anyone because I have my pride and I don't want their pity...plus I wouldn't know what to say.

At the end of the semester my mood was pretty dark and I just felt like I needed to get out. Now it's loads better and I'm even kind of looking forward to going back, but I know it's still not going to change much. It's ironic because the root of most of my issues is Change itself. Everyone else seems to loving growing up and being in college but  I just can't face the future. I don't see anything to look forward to except debt, working all the time, and being miserable. Why are people so anxious to run headlong into the harshness of the world? What's the point?

Well anyway, that's all I guess. Wow depressing stuff. Oh well.
Peace.
slán go fóil